Now, practicing each day, mindfulness has become a way of being in my body as it breathes, hurts, and rejoices. Sometimes it shows up in ways that are traumatizing and wounding, and sometimes in ways that celebrate my body. Mindfulness must first emerge from my body as it is in the world, open and sensitive to the many ways it is interpreted by others. It has been a foundational text for me as I continue to understand meditation and what Michel Foucault called “ technologies of the self”-the various means through which we can affect personal, mental, and physical changes and produce more happiness, contentment, and wisdom. Though I have no formal training in mindfulness practices taken directly from the sutras, I have been working with the Satipatthana ( Four Foundations of Mindfulness ) sutta in my personal practice. To be present to this process is to resist this kind of violence. The practice, for me, continues to be one of surviving under precarious conditions, where my body becomes a canvas on which other people project a false, and often harmful, reality. It is being aware of how people notice me in space, how I can become a suspect by walking into a store-and how I have no choice but to be mindful of the cashiers or plainclothes security. Mindfulness has been so much a part of how I have survived as a Black queer man in this world. Until you are able to do this, then this situation may be detrimental for you. So connect with what you need in order to practice at your highest level, and see what answers arise from focusing on yourself.When I started focusing on mindfulness, I realized that it was something I had already been practicing acutely for most of my life. It has also taken solid strategies of self-preservation. It has taken a deep grounding in compassion and love for myself, and also deep compassion for others around me. There are people of color who survive spaces where they are marginalized. You may even discover that what you ultimately need is to leave this particular community. Moreover, this extra emotional labor may eventually lead to emotional burnout.įiguring out what you need is an expression of compassion for yourself, which you will need in this situation. It may also foster a longing for your people and your culture, which will also disrupt your practice. Integrating space is exclusively the burden of the marginalized and the under-represented, and working so hard at that level may not be conducive to the fruition of your dharma practice. So in connecting with what you need, you may come to the conclusion that your biggest need is not to work so hard to just be in the room. Then, your main practice becomes negotiating the centering of whiteness and trying to survive that so you can then do the actual dharma practice you came to do. To be marginalized in spaces like these means you are doing much more emotional labor than others simply to stay in the space. What do I do?Īnswer: I have one question: what do you need? It sounds like this space may be psychically violent for you. I love the practice and don’t want to leave, but I feel uncomfortable and miss my own people and culture. I knew that going in, but it’s been more difficult than I expected. Question: I recently moved to a Buddhist retreat center where I am pretty much the only person of color.
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